^ ^ ^ ^ /\/\OO/\/\ ASCII BAT AND STUFF PROUDLY PRESENT /\/\OO/\/\ vv vv dddd dddd dddd ttttt dddd ttttt dddd dddd ttttttttttttt uuuu uuuu rrr ddddddddddd ttttttttttttt uuuu uuuu rrrrrrrrrrr ddd dddd ttttt uuuu uuuu rrrrrrrrrrr ddd dddd ttttt uuuu uuuu rrrr rrr ddd dddd ttttt uuuu uuuu rrrr ddd dddd ttttt uuuu uuuu rrrr ddd dddd ttttt uuuu uuuu rrrr ddd dddd tttttt ttt uuuuuuuuuuuu rrrr ddddddddddddd ttttttttttt uuuuuuuuuuuu rrrr ddddd dddd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT! AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES IF EVER THERE WAS A BETTER ZOMBIE CHEF! THE FIFTH BEST TURD EVER! I feel as I have left something out of my last writing to my fellow zombies. I am also a world renown chef. As some may have guessed, I specialize in brains. Oh, you don't think I am a very good chef? Well this next tale will prove my statement. Last week I received a phone call from a Mr. Takeshi Kaga. For those who do not know he is the founder of a place called Kitchen Stadium, where the television show Iron Chef is held. Well he had gotten wind of my expertise in cooking and wanted to have me on the show. I gladly accepted being a huge fan of the show myself. So I travel out to Kitchen Stadium in Japan to be on Iron Chef. I get to the show, and I see they have given me two short asians as assistants. Well these asians seemed to have rather large heads. So I decided that it would be best if I just ate their brains and got it over with. Now this almost got me disqualified, but I reasoned with the chairman, basically I told him I would eat his brains if he disqualified me. So he let me stay in the contest. We start taping and no one wanted to get close enough to me to tape me, well you know me being a zombie and all. so we are standing there, me by myself and iron chef morimoto on the other side with his assistants. The chairman comes out, and says due to the enormous gratitude for me that he has, he will be doing an ingredient suited for me. He goes on by saying he racked his brains, and then it hit him. He pulled the curtain, and what rose up? Loads and loads of brains. The theme ingredient was brains. I was so excited being it was my specialty. I run up to the place where the brains are being held and grab all the best brains. I had to taste test some to make sure they were good brains. I almost fainted at the quality of the brains. They were the best brains I had ever tasted. I went back and decided on four dishes to make. Since I ate the brains of my assistants, I was on my own. The first dish was a special creation I had thought up. Honey Nut Brains with Summer salad. This was brains that were fried with honey, brown sugar, cinnamon and walnuts. The salad has many different ingredients in it. Then I made a Brain smoothie. It was brains, champagne, lemonade, and orange peels. I topped that with vanilla ice cream. The fourth dish was brain kabobs. These were to be cajun style also. I had batter the brains and deep fry them. Also on the kabobs were yellow peppers, shitake mushrooms and vidalia onions. These were marinated in blood of a creole person, their blood is what gives it the cajun flavor. Then grilled to a perfect state. The last dish was to be a stew. It was basically New England Brain Chowder. I steamed the brains so they would retain all of their flavor. Then I added them to the already cooking chowder. Decided the chowder needed cracker, I made a brain log, and then baked it to make croutons for the chowder. The battle soon ended. I felt relieved and accomplished at the same time. I just knew my brain dishes would win. When we got to the tasting the judges didn't want to have me in the room, as they didn't want to criticize me and then me eat their brains for it. So I sat outside waiting. They judged my dishes and then they judged the iron chef's dishes. I could hear them complain how horrible his dishes were. I felt nothing but joy. I knew I had a chance now. We were waiting for the verdict when Morimoto came to me and said fuck you zombie I will eat your brains. At that time I realized everyone around me was a zombie. They all were zombies and were ganging up on me trying to eat my brains. This time I knew I had to do something. I knew what I had to do, but didn't want to reveal myself to all of these zombies. But I had no other choice. I had to turn into my super zombie self. I was actually a zombie-vampire that couldn't be killed. I turned into this, and ate everyone's brains and drank their blood. We zombie-vampire can never be killed. I was the head zombie-vampire. If you wanna fuck with me, I will eat your brains then drink your blood. END OF TURD #5 WRITTEN BY: STUFF 12-21-02